Random thoughts...

well, it's about 3am on a Friday morning, the week is almost over...the one week break from classes is drawing to an end.

Just sitting in front of my PC while the entire world around me sleeps in sweet serenity. Just listening to this song "Deeper" by United Live, with the chorus just speaking to me...just drawing me, just convicting me. I have been a prodigal's son for far too long. running away from God, running away from the past.

Jesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heart
Lord my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord

The week didn't begin too well as far as I can tell. Leaving me with just that feeling of helplessness, the feeling of no turning back. stuff that broke me, and forced me to spiral down further and further...that kinda feeling...you call that depression?it's not unfounded, i'm not being emo. Just remembering that i had let people down, i had failed people when it mattered most, that there were certain promises that i broke...like you broke something and there's no way of repairing it...all you can manage is to nurse the pain..these are real events that took place..it's not some PMS induced paranoid "the world hates me" feeling..i did let people down...it gave me the feeling that i just wanna sleep and forget all my troubles, and hopefully when i wake it's all gone...which most of the time i just wake with more to grieve me.

(I woke up today, to the sound of my emotions splashing around/making all those weird crazy funny sounds...copyright.jasonteoh)

But the week gradually improved as i took my mind and self off and worked on some new material with the band. It was pretty exciting to lay down the arrangements of guitars and drums, to create a song...to create an original. and it was pretty tiring. I seriously have no idea if what i'm working for will make it big, will it change lives, will it bless someone, will it make a big difference? I guess i will just have to believe and have faith that God will look down and smile at our passion. At our willingness to believe. God hates unbelief. it kept Israel in the wilderness for 40 years. I'm so tired of being in the wilderness...
So far we have had 3 jamming sessions in 3 consecutive days. i don't think i wrote good stuff, maybe average...dunno..i know i haven't been listening enough to what God wants to say, so it has been difficult when i wanted to work on some songs lyrically and found myself far away from Him...so doing my Quite Time helped..something that i have been struggling to keep on a more consistent basis.

Watched "The Island"...quite nice.

anyway, there's this MMU convocation coming this weekend. some of my friends like Kamini, Janet, Samuel Ng will be at the ceremony. Come to think of, i'm not super close to them..i think i'm a difficult person at times. I'm not sure if i will be goin to see them. I'm thinking of my convo. Who will be there? and i'm not actually too thrilled goin by the results that i have now. Sometimes i wished i could have done better..Some friends coming down from Cyber. But do I really want to see them?
..with all these feelings running through my mind. what a week,.

At the moment, I just feel like being alone. Suppose to be studying my FYP. Need to do more research..not emo or anything..just random thoughts passing through my mind...

<Sometimes I feel that i am useless
I'm just not worth Your time
I speak my mind

But You said that You gave up all for me
So that I can be
Your precious work of art
I'm Your precious Work of Art

copyright.jasonteoh